You Gotta Put Me On

"You can scroll ... and you can copy and paste."
That was the best advice I've gotten in months and I got it today from an unexpected source who probably didn't even realize they were giving advice.
If you're reading this on Dec. 1, 2013. You probably know me. You're probably a friend or family member and you're showing your support by reading, because you know it's been a minute since I've done anything constructive with my writing and you want to encourage that. Thank you. The sentiment is much appreciated.
As you know, loved one, I've been going through it.
This summer, I nearly lost everything.
And yeah, I picked myself up. And while we all knew it was never going to be rock bottom for me, it was close enough, that I saw myself as far away from success as I ever want to be again.
So this is my rebuilding year.
And I've been taking it slow.
New job. Check.
New plan. Check.
New focus. Not so much.
Before all my drama went down. I had one focus. To use my gift, fueled by my drive, to cash some checks and really make something of myself.
I wrote a book.
I published a book.
Then my life went to shit and I sat on that book.
But now, I'm back on my feet and ready to climb.
Only this time, I'm not afraid to ask for help.
So ... help.
Loved one, I need your help.
First of all, if you have bought my book, thank you. If you haven't, please do so.
In fact, even if you have bought my book, there's still work to be done. I need you to help put me on.
I need someone to notice this work. Hell, I need everyone to notice this book.
I need the grapevine to work for me. So I need you to get on that grapevine!
Here's the link to buy my book.
Send it to your mother, your sister, your aunt, your daughter.
Send it to that one woman who reached out to you on your first job and showed you the ropes.
Send it to that young woman who just started in your office and needs to be shown the ropes.
Or better yet, buy it again and just give it to them.
Just help me get the word out.
And if you know someone in publishing, definitely send it to them!
Seriously, you gotta put me on.
Because that's the reason I wrote this book -- to put somebody on.
To help some girl who's been out there grinding, but for whatever reason, can't get any experience in her field; or can't get past these entry-level positions. I wanted her to know what nobody told me. Why? So she could get on. So she could feed her babies and put them in position so that when it's time for them to go job hunting, they won't even need this book.
And that's all "Girl, Get a Job!" is about -- putting each other on.
And, if y'all know me, then you know, that's all I do -- I put people on. How many times have I been a reference for your job application, girl? How many times have you called me with cover letter questions, girl? How many times have I reorganized and hooked up your resume, girl? Right!
See? You gotta put me on.
I've been putting people on and helping everyone but myself for too long. It's time for June C. Straight to get hers.
So help me out.
And if you love me like you say you do, loved one, then the folks reading this after Dec. 1, 2013, don't really know me at all. They got the link to my blog and  the link to buy my book from a friend, or a family member, or a sorority sister. And they trust what they get from this loved one and decided to check me out. And now after checking me out, and clicking on each shameless plug for my book,  "Girl, Get a Job!", they've decided that in the spirit of everything feminine and determined, they want to join this campaign to put me on!
So even if I don't know you, if you've read this far, you've got to know I love you and I appreciate your efforts to help me feed this beast that is the desire to succeed out here.
I'm trying to rebuild my life and secure a life for my children. I'm trying to achieve the American dream. And if my future is just a scroll, a cut and a paste away, then I'm definitely going for it.
So like I was told today  ... "You can scroll ... and you can copy and paste."
Just don't forget to click "buy" afterwards.

Decisions, Decisions

Pride and self preservation:  the only two modes my mind seems capable of functioning in. The only other settings are depression and self pity, obviously not conducive to behaving like a human.

But from the time I wake up until the moment I find myself returning home to a dark empty house, pride and preservation are all I've got.

And yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be praying. And I am, but at the moment, prayer is working as the transition from pity to pride, so, yeah, I'm working on it.

There are a lot of problems with this situation, but the one that worries me the most is that I'm in a position where I have to make a lot of decisions. Important decisions. Decisions that affect me. Decisions that affect my babies. And, in my limited experience, none of my states of mind are good for decision making.

Obviously the biggie is my marriage. To the outside world, it's a simple fix. Divorce him!
Believe me, it's the simplest fix for me too.

And it's not because he's in jail, facing years of incarceration. It's not because he did something too big for me to forgive. It's simply that he has an addiction and that addiction is number one in his life. And if my kids are going to be number two to anybody, it's gonna be to God, not the bottle.

And yes, that's the self-preservation talking.

She's also, in concert with Pride, telling me how stupid it is to stay. "How many chances are you going to give him?" they chide. "Turn up the Sunshine Anderson!" Pride yells to Preservation.

Message received.

"Besides," Self Pity whispers, "You don't have a lot of options."
"Divorce him, or stand beside him. Either way you've failed." Depression just loves pouring salt in my wounds. She's a surprisingly snarky little bitch.

"Hey, what happened to that Eve 'Love is Blind' track?" Pride is really big on musical demonstration.

Between her and Self Pity, the go-to playlist on my cell phone is a mishmash of Lauryn Hill, Adele, Joan Jett and Paramour. -- lot's of 'he done me wrong" songs.

I'm one step away from the very blue Billie Holiday phase I went through in the ninth grade.

But I digress.

My marriage is over and I can't help but think I'm going to have to deal with the spiritual ramifications of  making such a huge decision out of pride and self preservation.

But, again, what other choices do I have.

To be fair. No decisions were made lightly. I looked long and hard at the past five years -- being married to an addict. I talked to counselors, I talked to rehab centers, I did the research and they all said the same thing: Leave or get used to it, because nothing is going to change.

When you're married to an addict who is not ready or willing to attempt at recovery, you have to leave. Tell them you're leaving and then follow through, otherwise, you're stuck.

And I did that. So, yeah, in the back of my mind I'm hoping that someday, he'll be that person who beats his addiction and gets his shit together. But the part closer to the surface ain't holdin' her breath.

I. HAVE. TO. MOVE. ON.
I.MUST. MOVE.FORWARD.
I. CANNOT. GIVE. UP.

That's all that there is to keep me going.

So, yeah, clearly, I'm not the model of a Christian wife and certainly not a 'ride or die' chick.

But at this point, that girl is not going to help me provide for my kids or be an example to them.

So Pride and Preservation it is.

And now it's time to wallow

It was suggested to me that I journal about some pretty heavy things that are going on in my life. And while I don't usually like to air my dirty laundry, I think that for now, in the interest of accountability, it would be wise to journal publicly. 

 So here goes: 

Addiction is a funny thing. 
It destroys lives. It destroys careers, but mostly, I think, it destroys families. 
I'm 29 and I've never had a sip of alcohol (outside of the Holy Communion) and yet here I am left picking up the pieces after the rock-bottom conclusion to a life of alcoholism and addiction.
So I guess addiction isn't really all that funny.
Nope, right now, it's down right depressing.